Puppy Pierre was certainly experiencing anxiety in his attachment to me. Arrival into his ‘forever home’ didn’t happen until Pierre was 4½ months old. His lack of secure attachment during this time became evident as he would become highly anxious when separated from me (even when he was with others). What this looked like is best described as follows…
I’m in the bath (trying to enjoy my usual ‘me time’) with a howling Pierre on the other side of the door. When I eventually opened the door, I would discover a wet spot or a brown delivery on the carpet outside the door! I confess toilet training isn’t really my strength. Fortunately, I remembered to do a mindset reframe. I trained myself to relax and recognise that it takes time for Puppy Pierre to learn where to relieve himself and that carpet can be cleaned! But I digress so let’s get back to Pierre’s attachment issue…
As a counsellor we learn about the importance of attachment. There are various forms of attachment that fall under the categories of ‘secure’ or ‘insecure’ attachment. Securely attached people tend to self-regulate their emotions and enjoy close intimate relationships. They are comfortable in expressing their feelings and unafraid to take risks in love, including managing any conflicts that arise. On the contrary, insecurely attached individuals tend to experience fear or uncertainty in their relationships, that lead to unstable connections. An ‘anxiously attached’ individual often craves closeness and intimacy yet struggles to trust or rely on others, generally needing constant reassurance from their partner. Whereas those who have an ‘avoidant attachment’ style tend to be self-reliant, withdraw from intimacy and can be dismissive of their own and others’ emotions.
I’ve had to become the stable influence he has missed in his short life, and I notice that as I create stability, Pierre is becoming less anxious. Like all things worthwhile having, time and consistency are the keys. I’ve created a predictable routine that we follow at the start of our day. We’ve spent quality time bonding (which usually involves a walk or playtime). We’ve developed trust. When I say no, I follow through. When he is showing good behaviours there’s treats, hugs and a positive verbal tone.
This is the same approach I used when working with anxious children. Anxiety is often about worrying about the unknown, what hasn’t happened and what they don’t know. Therefore, by shifting a focus onto predictability and consistency, we take some of that stress around the unknown out of the equation, which allows the mind to relax more. The physical exercise helps the physical body to relax and reset. And having clear boundaries and knowing they are solid, with consequences, builds trust and respect. But ultimately none of that matters unless they feel a sense of belonging and connection, so growing intimacy through one-to-one time is important, and showing affection and acceptance is a critical ingredient in supporting others who are experiencing anxiety.
So, take a tip from Pierre, learn to enjoy routines, practise working within boundaries, and most importantly play, play, play!
Adieu for now.
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